July 27, 2015
1130
As many of you may know, I'm going into HR Management as my profession. But how many of you actually know what HR does other than lead your mandatory orientation meeting for a new job? Probably not very many of you. Because of this lack of knowledge, Human Resources might sound very boring, but I promise you from my perspective, it's not boring at all.
So, next to becoming a pastor at some point in my life, out of all my talents and abilities and therefore many professions I can choose from, why something as "mundane" as Human Resources? Well, just think of the title. Have any of you thought about how weird "Human Resources" sounds? After all, what is a resource? A resource is a substance of matter that can be implemented for beneficiary use, and because of its finitude, it can be used up, and so we seek new and better methods to maintain that resource. Think of any resource we use: water, gas, electricity, food, etc. We have these valuable resources, and since they become used up after a period of time, we seek new and better methods to maintain them. This is exactly why every single one of us goes to the grocery store — to replenish our food resources, and the grocer has to maintain those resources, and its suppliers, and the cycle continues. It's the same exact thing with human beings. People are a resource — the most valuable resource in the world. After a while, people get used up, and it's HR's job to seek new and better methods to maintain the people they have. This is done through a variety of methods — training new employees, developing the skills of current and loyal employees, leadership empowerment, benefits & compensation, performance appraisal & evaluation, and more. No matter which method is used, the goal in mind is always to help the employee, and that's exactly it for me: I love helping people. I will help people in any capacity that I am able.
Sure, some methods that HR uses to maintain their current employees might have a selfish motive depending on the organisation or the individual HR department, but what's so wrong with that? If a company or an organisation wants to keep you for purely selfish reasons, obviously they like you enough to go out of their way to keep you. If you didn't matter to them, then they would just let you leave. But HR is more than that. In a fully functional, healthy organisational structure of a company, a good HR department seeks ways to develop their current employees, give leadership opportunities, and give fair compensation & benefits. The ultimate effect might be to keep you there for their own benefit, but the comfort and happiness of the employees are also kept in mind. As long as the department and the organisation it works for follows ethical principles, HR will do its job right by keeping its employees satisfied. A good HR department does not want its employees to be unhappy, and if they are, will seek ways to change that, because unhappy employees only leads to chaos.
I see HR as an opportunity to put my Christian principles into use in a practical way to serve, help, and love people in Christ. As Christians, I believe we all should seek ways to serve, help, and love people. Being commissioned to spread the Gospel (Matthew 28:18-20), we're not really doing our job as Christians if we don't seek ways to serve, help, and love people in Christ. So, that's why I'm going into human resources. As human beings are the most valuable resource in the world, it is my desire to empower people through development, leadership opportunities, and other methods.
Monday, July 27, 2015
Memoir 7: Nice Guys Always Finish Last
July 27, 2015
0930
I have finally realised the answer to the stupid question that young women always ask me, "Why are you single?" Because I am the classic nice guy. Nice guys always finish last. You know that nice, gentle, respectable nice guy we watch in movies and TV shows who, no matter how kind and gentle he is, never gets the girl until the end of his story? Those guys exist, and I am one of them. Normally I would say it's because of something about women my age, but that's not true, because women younger than me get engaged and married all the freaking time. It's actually because of me, but not in a bad way. Putting my sins and flaws aside, there's nothing wrong with me. Everybody's a sinner and everybody has flaws. Everything about me is datable and marriage quality. I'm a man of God, I'm chivalrous and therefore a gentleman, I'm protective (but not even close to being over-protective), I'm a pursuer (women always say they like to be pursued, which, by the way, goes both ways); I'm a man of principles, which, being a man of God, the foundation of my principles come from God's Word; I'm a leader and always do my best to lead my relationships by example in Christ; I'm brave (after all, I served in the Army without fear for my life), and I'm not butt ugly. I don't have the greatest self-esteem when it comes to my looks since I don't have handsome flowing hair, or a beard, and I'm not muscular (since those seem to be what women today obsess over), but I definitely know I'm not butt ugly either. (Then again, butt ugly people don't know that they're butt ugly...) Besides, there are plenty of butt ugly people in relationships and marriages, so even if I were butt ugly I'd still have this faint glimmer of hope that I possess. I have Puerto Rican blood, so flowing hair is impossible for me. My genes disallow me from growing a beard, but even if I could grow a beard, I don't want a bacterial sponge on my face. And I don't have the metabolism or self-discipline to look like a body builder, so deal with it, ladies.
But because of all those qualities I do have and more, I'm safe; and I think many women my age are irrationally afraid of being in a safe relationship. That's not my own thinking, but it's a thought I've come to adapt. Somebody told me that a couple years ago. She's a close friend of mine and she told me that the reason why I'm always single is because I'm safe, and a lot of women our age (we're close in age) are afraid of a safe relationship for absolutely no good reason. I'm thinking that the reason, however, might be because if they somehow lose this safe relationship for whatever reason, then how can they be sure that they'll have another relationship so safe? Of course, that's more of a subconscious thought. That fear is understandable, but it's also unrealistic because there are plenty of nice guys out there besides me. Just walk into a church. Young Christian couples get married like the frequency of rabbits giving birth.
Nice guys are transparent and get passed off to the next girl to reject him because we're passive. Jerks, and (pardon my French) assholes, are the ones who get noticed because they're active. The difference between the nice guy and the jerk is not that the nice guy doesn't know what he wants, contrary to popular belief. The nice guy knows what he wants. The difference is that the jerk actively seeks out what he wants, often for the wrong reasons. The nice guy, however, is passive; he doesn't actively seek out what he wants. It's not always because he was born this way. In fact, we nice guys used to be active, but we become passive. It's usually because, being the nice guy, he gets rejected a lot, so out of constant rejection he becomes passive — allowing and accepting things to happen to him without trying to change it. Reject a nice guy, that's it; you won't hear from him again. Nor should you want to, because you rejected him. Reject a jerk, and he'll keep on trying, and usually it's that conceited persistence of the jerk that ends up getting the girl.
These are just my thoughts on this whole issue. Being the nice guy, I'm not going to be single indefinitely, but it is the reason for why it's taking a very long time for me to find the right person — someone bold enough to put up with my flaws, give me a chance, and stay committed. It doesn't matter how much of a man of God I am, or how kind I am, or gentle, or intelligent, or chivalrous, as a nice guy I will always be transparent until the last possible moment when someone miraculously sees me, because nice guys always finish last.
0930
I have finally realised the answer to the stupid question that young women always ask me, "Why are you single?" Because I am the classic nice guy. Nice guys always finish last. You know that nice, gentle, respectable nice guy we watch in movies and TV shows who, no matter how kind and gentle he is, never gets the girl until the end of his story? Those guys exist, and I am one of them. Normally I would say it's because of something about women my age, but that's not true, because women younger than me get engaged and married all the freaking time. It's actually because of me, but not in a bad way. Putting my sins and flaws aside, there's nothing wrong with me. Everybody's a sinner and everybody has flaws. Everything about me is datable and marriage quality. I'm a man of God, I'm chivalrous and therefore a gentleman, I'm protective (but not even close to being over-protective), I'm a pursuer (women always say they like to be pursued, which, by the way, goes both ways); I'm a man of principles, which, being a man of God, the foundation of my principles come from God's Word; I'm a leader and always do my best to lead my relationships by example in Christ; I'm brave (after all, I served in the Army without fear for my life), and I'm not butt ugly. I don't have the greatest self-esteem when it comes to my looks since I don't have handsome flowing hair, or a beard, and I'm not muscular (since those seem to be what women today obsess over), but I definitely know I'm not butt ugly either. (Then again, butt ugly people don't know that they're butt ugly...) Besides, there are plenty of butt ugly people in relationships and marriages, so even if I were butt ugly I'd still have this faint glimmer of hope that I possess. I have Puerto Rican blood, so flowing hair is impossible for me. My genes disallow me from growing a beard, but even if I could grow a beard, I don't want a bacterial sponge on my face. And I don't have the metabolism or self-discipline to look like a body builder, so deal with it, ladies.
But because of all those qualities I do have and more, I'm safe; and I think many women my age are irrationally afraid of being in a safe relationship. That's not my own thinking, but it's a thought I've come to adapt. Somebody told me that a couple years ago. She's a close friend of mine and she told me that the reason why I'm always single is because I'm safe, and a lot of women our age (we're close in age) are afraid of a safe relationship for absolutely no good reason. I'm thinking that the reason, however, might be because if they somehow lose this safe relationship for whatever reason, then how can they be sure that they'll have another relationship so safe? Of course, that's more of a subconscious thought. That fear is understandable, but it's also unrealistic because there are plenty of nice guys out there besides me. Just walk into a church. Young Christian couples get married like the frequency of rabbits giving birth.
Nice guys are transparent and get passed off to the next girl to reject him because we're passive. Jerks, and (pardon my French) assholes, are the ones who get noticed because they're active. The difference between the nice guy and the jerk is not that the nice guy doesn't know what he wants, contrary to popular belief. The nice guy knows what he wants. The difference is that the jerk actively seeks out what he wants, often for the wrong reasons. The nice guy, however, is passive; he doesn't actively seek out what he wants. It's not always because he was born this way. In fact, we nice guys used to be active, but we become passive. It's usually because, being the nice guy, he gets rejected a lot, so out of constant rejection he becomes passive — allowing and accepting things to happen to him without trying to change it. Reject a nice guy, that's it; you won't hear from him again. Nor should you want to, because you rejected him. Reject a jerk, and he'll keep on trying, and usually it's that conceited persistence of the jerk that ends up getting the girl.
These are just my thoughts on this whole issue. Being the nice guy, I'm not going to be single indefinitely, but it is the reason for why it's taking a very long time for me to find the right person — someone bold enough to put up with my flaws, give me a chance, and stay committed. It doesn't matter how much of a man of God I am, or how kind I am, or gentle, or intelligent, or chivalrous, as a nice guy I will always be transparent until the last possible moment when someone miraculously sees me, because nice guys always finish last.
Friday, July 24, 2015
Memoir 6: Deserve
July 24, 2015
0825
0825
I don't deserve anything. I don't deserve wealth, I don't deserve a girlfriend, or a wife, or anything else I conjure up. You can search through all of Scripture and you will find that it doesn't say we deserve anything, because we don't. We rebelled against God in the beginning, and thus we fell. We continue to rebel against Him every day. Jesus died for our sins not because we earned it, but because He loves us and did so completely out of His mercy. God blesses His children not because they deserve what they get. Believers still suffer, so what would that say about our God if all believers got what they deserve? Rather, God blesses His children out of His mercy and grace — if He wills it. Deserve's got nothing to do with it. "Deserve" is a human imagined "right" to the things we desire, but we don't deserve anything.
If I want wealth, I can pray for it in accordance to God's will. I want a girlfriend and a wife some day, so I pray that He wills it to happen. But I know that I don't deserve someone to love me as I am. If God wills it to happen, glory be to Him. If He doesn't, He still gets all the glory because I deserve nothing. I am a sinner and nothing I will ever do will earn me that self-imagined "right."
Saturday, July 4, 2015
Memoir 5, The Influence of Satan
July 4, 2015
1350
As Christians, we hear many sermons and read many books that teach what God can, will, and has done for us. While these teachings are extremely vital and necessary, we often forget the influence of our enemy: Satan. We fool ourselves into thinking that Satan is an idiot, simply because he is our enemy and we seek to degrade him. But I believe it is idiotic to claim that Satan is stupid. If Satan is stupid and he fools you every time into committing a sin, what does that make you? Let me make it irrevocably clear: Satan is not stupid; he is the evil genius of the world. If this were not true, then every person on this earth would not be fooled by his temptations to sin. Christians are still subject to that spiritual and psychological torment; many people can testify to that, even I can as a past victim of shame and guilt due to my own personal sins. Let us identify Satan's being: he is an archangel. Not was — is. Hollywood films and television shows portray demons as ugly, disgusting looking creatures. The Hollywood portrayal is not only inaccurate, but also absurd. Demons, including Satan, are fallen angels. They're still angels with immense supernatural powers. We understand archangels to be the most powerful angels, and Satan is a fallen archangel. As an archangel, he is so powerful that he can even "disguise himself as an angel of light" in order to masterfully deceive us (2 Corinthians 11:14).
However, there is no reason to fear. God and our Saviour Jesus Christ are infinitely more powerful than the fallen archangel Satan. James 4:7 makes it very clear to, "Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the Devil, and he will flee from you." In Jesus Christ, this is very possible. Resist him with the Word of God just as Jesus did in the wilderness at the beginning of Matthew chapter four. Satan is the master of deceit, and he will do whatever it takes to twist God's Word to bemuse you and eventually cause you to abandon your faith in God. He often does this through unbelievers. Unbelievers themselves take God's Word and throw it at Christians to support their worldly beliefs, and inexperienced Christians or those who are not prepared for this will fall under their trap. What these unbelievers do is called proof texting, which is to grab a verse out of the Bible that supposedly supports your erroneous belief. Even some Christians do this. It is wrong and causes misinterpretation and spreads misinformation because by proof texting, one takes it completey out of context — ignoring the rest of the scriptural context around the verse in which it relates to (and can even be connected from the New Testament back to the Old Testament to explain a verse even further), as well as not understanding its historical context. Many people make the mistake of believing that the Bible was written to us, but it was not. Everything we read in the Bible was written to a very specific people in a specific culture at a specific time. Once we understand what the audience the words were written or spoken to and how they were supposed to apply it and why, then we can begin to know and understand how to apply it to ourselves today as modern Christians. It is impossible to fathom the Word of God without His wisdom, which one can only receive through faith in Him, which also begins with the fear of the Lord (Proverbs 9:10).
I must reiterate: As powerful as Satan is as an archangel, he is no more powerful than God or our Saviour Jesus Christ. Satan has a purpose on this earth, which we will never fathom. God will not allow Satan to do more than He will allow him to. We see this in the book of Job. At the beginning we see that God and Satan are conversing, and God permits Satan to cause some suffering upon Job. Critics of the Bible and Christianity who are not objective will interpret this as God and Satan working together, but if one understands God's nature correctly we will see something entirely different. As we read the entire book of Job, God makes a grand point through Job's experiences and suffering to teach Job something, and ultimately probably all who read the book. God described Job as having perfect integrity, and although he had perfect integrity we read that Job's sin was that "he was righteous in his own eyes" (Job 32:1), and that "he justified himself rather than God" (32:2). But it is important to point out that in spite of Job's sins, not once did he ever renounce God or lose his faith in Him. So he was indeed a man of perfect integrity, therefore God proved Satan wrong (Satan wanted to prove to God that Job was not a man of perfect integrity).
Although God allowed Satan to cause Job trouble, it is extremely important to know that God would not permit Satan to do more than what He would allow (1:12). In effect, God was telling Satan, "I am the Master of the Universe and of the earth. There is nothing that you can do beyond than what I permit, for anything you do I possess the ultimate power and authority to disrupt, for I am Yahweh." As troubling as it may seem, God can use Satan for His own good. In the conversation between God and Satan, it was actually Satan who challenged God about Job's perfect integrity. In response, God in His infinite wisdom orchestrated Satan to do what He permitted him to do in order to teach Job, and to teach us. Not only does this teach us that God proved Satan wrong and always will, but it also teaches us that God truly knows our hearts, and that God is infinitely more powerful than Satan. And in the end, God blessed Job doubled the possessions he originally had before he lost them (42:10-17). This was, of course, after Job had realised his faults and repented of his sins.
Never forget the influence that Satan has upon the world, that he is the cause for murder and famine and tragic loss; but also never forget the infinite power that God and our Saviour Jesus Christ have over him.
1350
As Christians, we hear many sermons and read many books that teach what God can, will, and has done for us. While these teachings are extremely vital and necessary, we often forget the influence of our enemy: Satan. We fool ourselves into thinking that Satan is an idiot, simply because he is our enemy and we seek to degrade him. But I believe it is idiotic to claim that Satan is stupid. If Satan is stupid and he fools you every time into committing a sin, what does that make you? Let me make it irrevocably clear: Satan is not stupid; he is the evil genius of the world. If this were not true, then every person on this earth would not be fooled by his temptations to sin. Christians are still subject to that spiritual and psychological torment; many people can testify to that, even I can as a past victim of shame and guilt due to my own personal sins. Let us identify Satan's being: he is an archangel. Not was — is. Hollywood films and television shows portray demons as ugly, disgusting looking creatures. The Hollywood portrayal is not only inaccurate, but also absurd. Demons, including Satan, are fallen angels. They're still angels with immense supernatural powers. We understand archangels to be the most powerful angels, and Satan is a fallen archangel. As an archangel, he is so powerful that he can even "disguise himself as an angel of light" in order to masterfully deceive us (2 Corinthians 11:14).
However, there is no reason to fear. God and our Saviour Jesus Christ are infinitely more powerful than the fallen archangel Satan. James 4:7 makes it very clear to, "Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the Devil, and he will flee from you." In Jesus Christ, this is very possible. Resist him with the Word of God just as Jesus did in the wilderness at the beginning of Matthew chapter four. Satan is the master of deceit, and he will do whatever it takes to twist God's Word to bemuse you and eventually cause you to abandon your faith in God. He often does this through unbelievers. Unbelievers themselves take God's Word and throw it at Christians to support their worldly beliefs, and inexperienced Christians or those who are not prepared for this will fall under their trap. What these unbelievers do is called proof texting, which is to grab a verse out of the Bible that supposedly supports your erroneous belief. Even some Christians do this. It is wrong and causes misinterpretation and spreads misinformation because by proof texting, one takes it completey out of context — ignoring the rest of the scriptural context around the verse in which it relates to (and can even be connected from the New Testament back to the Old Testament to explain a verse even further), as well as not understanding its historical context. Many people make the mistake of believing that the Bible was written to us, but it was not. Everything we read in the Bible was written to a very specific people in a specific culture at a specific time. Once we understand what the audience the words were written or spoken to and how they were supposed to apply it and why, then we can begin to know and understand how to apply it to ourselves today as modern Christians. It is impossible to fathom the Word of God without His wisdom, which one can only receive through faith in Him, which also begins with the fear of the Lord (Proverbs 9:10).
I must reiterate: As powerful as Satan is as an archangel, he is no more powerful than God or our Saviour Jesus Christ. Satan has a purpose on this earth, which we will never fathom. God will not allow Satan to do more than He will allow him to. We see this in the book of Job. At the beginning we see that God and Satan are conversing, and God permits Satan to cause some suffering upon Job. Critics of the Bible and Christianity who are not objective will interpret this as God and Satan working together, but if one understands God's nature correctly we will see something entirely different. As we read the entire book of Job, God makes a grand point through Job's experiences and suffering to teach Job something, and ultimately probably all who read the book. God described Job as having perfect integrity, and although he had perfect integrity we read that Job's sin was that "he was righteous in his own eyes" (Job 32:1), and that "he justified himself rather than God" (32:2). But it is important to point out that in spite of Job's sins, not once did he ever renounce God or lose his faith in Him. So he was indeed a man of perfect integrity, therefore God proved Satan wrong (Satan wanted to prove to God that Job was not a man of perfect integrity).
Although God allowed Satan to cause Job trouble, it is extremely important to know that God would not permit Satan to do more than what He would allow (1:12). In effect, God was telling Satan, "I am the Master of the Universe and of the earth. There is nothing that you can do beyond than what I permit, for anything you do I possess the ultimate power and authority to disrupt, for I am Yahweh." As troubling as it may seem, God can use Satan for His own good. In the conversation between God and Satan, it was actually Satan who challenged God about Job's perfect integrity. In response, God in His infinite wisdom orchestrated Satan to do what He permitted him to do in order to teach Job, and to teach us. Not only does this teach us that God proved Satan wrong and always will, but it also teaches us that God truly knows our hearts, and that God is infinitely more powerful than Satan. And in the end, God blessed Job doubled the possessions he originally had before he lost them (42:10-17). This was, of course, after Job had realised his faults and repented of his sins.
Never forget the influence that Satan has upon the world, that he is the cause for murder and famine and tragic loss; but also never forget the infinite power that God and our Saviour Jesus Christ have over him.
Thursday, July 2, 2015
Memoir 4, The Christian Lifestyle
July 2, 2015
2123
A life in Christ necessitates leaving your comfort zone when we desire not to. God calls us to live extravagantly in accordance with His will. Our flesh, being of the world, desires to do the opposite while our spirit with God's Holy Spirit within pushes us to contradict otherwise. That is why it's a difficult battle each time God tells us to do something for Him, or when we know we should change our behaviour in order to be more Christlike. That's just the perpetual battle we have with sin. If the Christian lifestyle were meant to be a forever comfortable lifestyle, then God would lie to us to meet our desires. On the contrary, the Christian lifestyle is meant to be uncomfortable, for God reveals to us the truth to meet our needs. And because the Truth — Jesus Christ — testifies against our evil works (John 7:7), we become offended and uncomfortable. Your desires may not always be what you need. As C.S. Lewis said, "I didn't go to religion to make me happy. I always knew a bottle of Port would do that. If you want a religion to make you feel really comfortable, I certainly don't recommend Christianity." Christianity is not about living the best comfortable lifestyle you possibly can; it is about Jesus paying the price to free us from our bondage of sin not by any act of our own, but by His sheer grace. We are not free of any particular sin when we choose to be unrepentant and thus keep it as part of our lifestyle.
2123
A life in Christ necessitates leaving your comfort zone when we desire not to. God calls us to live extravagantly in accordance with His will. Our flesh, being of the world, desires to do the opposite while our spirit with God's Holy Spirit within pushes us to contradict otherwise. That is why it's a difficult battle each time God tells us to do something for Him, or when we know we should change our behaviour in order to be more Christlike. That's just the perpetual battle we have with sin. If the Christian lifestyle were meant to be a forever comfortable lifestyle, then God would lie to us to meet our desires. On the contrary, the Christian lifestyle is meant to be uncomfortable, for God reveals to us the truth to meet our needs. And because the Truth — Jesus Christ — testifies against our evil works (John 7:7), we become offended and uncomfortable. Your desires may not always be what you need. As C.S. Lewis said, "I didn't go to religion to make me happy. I always knew a bottle of Port would do that. If you want a religion to make you feel really comfortable, I certainly don't recommend Christianity." Christianity is not about living the best comfortable lifestyle you possibly can; it is about Jesus paying the price to free us from our bondage of sin not by any act of our own, but by His sheer grace. We are not free of any particular sin when we choose to be unrepentant and thus keep it as part of our lifestyle.
Saturday, June 27, 2015
Memoir 3, An Unrequited Love
June 27, 2015
1316
I sat in a quaint coffee shoppe one morning, ruminating upon my faint existence. I felt like a small speck in the eye of every person in my life — those important to me, whom I love, and those I acquaint with. On the day of my 25th year of existence, I was shocked to find two friends who wished to celebrate the day with me without my asking. Because, you see, that day doesn't mean much to me. When the spotlight shines on me, I'm the type who jumps out of it. The shock of my friends' genuine care brought a soothing satisfaction, however a little sadness as well. One of them, let's just call her S., is a beautiful blonde whom I have a lot in common with. Ninety-nine percent of our likes and dislikes are the same. The only problem is that she's engaged, perfectly happy, although the loser doesn't deserve her; and I'm not the only one who sees that. The other friend, let's call her H., is a beautiful brunette, single since the summer of last year, but like most Christian women, she is afraid of relationships — of commitment. H. and I connected in every single way, but she makes up excuses why we can't be together. Basically, we connected, feelings ensued, and she led me on to believe that we could become something until she revealed that it'll never happen. This is called what I have dubbed as "bitchery."
The irrational fears Christian women have of commitment confounds me. They are committed to our invisible God, yet fear commitment with a tangible Christian man. Yet I am surrounded by happy Christian couples who are engaged, newly married with a baby on the way, and recently in relationships. It's an unfathomable, vexing paradox. I have witnessed numerous newly wed Christian couples who've dated for 3 weeks to a month or so, got married, and then pregnant within a couple weeks. It's obviously they only got married because they were horny. I am cursed with not only perpetual loneliness, but also having to watch happy couples in my perpetual loneliness, no chance of a woman having the audacity to give me a chance.
A couple walks into the coffee shoppe, and their adoration for each other is palpable, envy a rising tide within my heart. I would be judged for my envy. But what single person who desires to be loved by someone else wouldn't envy a happy couple? It would be inhuman not to have that envy in such a predicament. I don't ask for envy to rise up and drown me in its misery; it just rises withal. One never drowns because he wishes to. However, don't let there be misunderstanding. In spite of not having this desire, I am happy. My sorrow is simply that I don't have someone to share it with. No one to offer all the love that I have in my heart — an unrequited love.
No one wants it either. They say, "She'll come along. Just be patient." But they're all idiots. They can only say that because they already have someone, so they're incapable of understanding. Or they're someone who's single who couldn't give two shits about being with someone or not, so they're even more incapable of understanding. Patience is for wimps; it's impatient people who actually work hard to achieve their goals. I was engaged twice, once betrayed and once left behind. I've had it twice, and they both escaped my embrace. That was 4 years ago, so I have been patient. SO pardon me for having a momentary lapse of reason — for being human.
Perhaps years from now I'll be married and will laugh at all this. But that's the unforeseen future; this is the present. I can't know the future, and neither can anyone else, so it's stupid for anyone to tell me without a shadow of a doubt that someone will come along. All I know is what I'm feeling now, and right now all I feel is sorrow and I have no one who can give me comfort. It is the tide of this sorrow that rises up and subdues me until the day she finds me, grabs my hand, and pulls me from the waters to breathe love into my lungs.
1316
I sat in a quaint coffee shoppe one morning, ruminating upon my faint existence. I felt like a small speck in the eye of every person in my life — those important to me, whom I love, and those I acquaint with. On the day of my 25th year of existence, I was shocked to find two friends who wished to celebrate the day with me without my asking. Because, you see, that day doesn't mean much to me. When the spotlight shines on me, I'm the type who jumps out of it. The shock of my friends' genuine care brought a soothing satisfaction, however a little sadness as well. One of them, let's just call her S., is a beautiful blonde whom I have a lot in common with. Ninety-nine percent of our likes and dislikes are the same. The only problem is that she's engaged, perfectly happy, although the loser doesn't deserve her; and I'm not the only one who sees that. The other friend, let's call her H., is a beautiful brunette, single since the summer of last year, but like most Christian women, she is afraid of relationships — of commitment. H. and I connected in every single way, but she makes up excuses why we can't be together. Basically, we connected, feelings ensued, and she led me on to believe that we could become something until she revealed that it'll never happen. This is called what I have dubbed as "bitchery."
The irrational fears Christian women have of commitment confounds me. They are committed to our invisible God, yet fear commitment with a tangible Christian man. Yet I am surrounded by happy Christian couples who are engaged, newly married with a baby on the way, and recently in relationships. It's an unfathomable, vexing paradox. I have witnessed numerous newly wed Christian couples who've dated for 3 weeks to a month or so, got married, and then pregnant within a couple weeks. It's obviously they only got married because they were horny. I am cursed with not only perpetual loneliness, but also having to watch happy couples in my perpetual loneliness, no chance of a woman having the audacity to give me a chance.
A couple walks into the coffee shoppe, and their adoration for each other is palpable, envy a rising tide within my heart. I would be judged for my envy. But what single person who desires to be loved by someone else wouldn't envy a happy couple? It would be inhuman not to have that envy in such a predicament. I don't ask for envy to rise up and drown me in its misery; it just rises withal. One never drowns because he wishes to. However, don't let there be misunderstanding. In spite of not having this desire, I am happy. My sorrow is simply that I don't have someone to share it with. No one to offer all the love that I have in my heart — an unrequited love.
No one wants it either. They say, "She'll come along. Just be patient." But they're all idiots. They can only say that because they already have someone, so they're incapable of understanding. Or they're someone who's single who couldn't give two shits about being with someone or not, so they're even more incapable of understanding. Patience is for wimps; it's impatient people who actually work hard to achieve their goals. I was engaged twice, once betrayed and once left behind. I've had it twice, and they both escaped my embrace. That was 4 years ago, so I have been patient. SO pardon me for having a momentary lapse of reason — for being human.
Perhaps years from now I'll be married and will laugh at all this. But that's the unforeseen future; this is the present. I can't know the future, and neither can anyone else, so it's stupid for anyone to tell me without a shadow of a doubt that someone will come along. All I know is what I'm feeling now, and right now all I feel is sorrow and I have no one who can give me comfort. It is the tide of this sorrow that rises up and subdues me until the day she finds me, grabs my hand, and pulls me from the waters to breathe love into my lungs.
Thursday, June 25, 2015
Memoir 2, All I Need Is God
June 25, 2015
1845
In my adolescent years, I was so desperate for attention and recognition — thinking only of myself and wishing to become someone. That's the problem with American society today; we grow up believing that we have to be well known whether it be honourable fame or something of notoriety because of the attention that celebrities and politicians get. Celebrities and politicians lead such narcissistic lives, even when they portray otherwise, and surround themselves with so much drama and because they are in the public eye, for some dastardly strange reason we are attracted to their dramas and misfortunes. Because they receive this attention and so many people love them with an equal amount of hate for some, we grow up believing in this culture that that is the only way to matter — to be known by the many.
I like to believe that I lead a humble life now. I don't desire recognition for my achievements and talents anymore like I did when I was a young teenager, which really wasn't that long ago. Leading a life in Christ, I care only about serving Him and others, and I don't care if I'm not in the spotlight for my kindness and achievements. That "reward" is only temporary, and my ultimate reward is in Heaven. Only a few years ago did I have a strong desire to be recognised for my musical talent on the saxophone. My closest friends who were saxophonists received recognition above me time and time again, and I was deeply depressed by it. I desired so much to be recognised above my peers, and not making it into the Michigan Honours Band simply because my tone was "too bright" didn't help either. So my self-esteem was at a constant low. It wasn't until I was accepted into the U.S. Army Bands after passing my audition when I finally gained some recognition, but like all things of this earth it didn't last, for I had to leave in seven months. Interestingly enough, my desire for recognition faded after that because I was so focused on my service in the Army, but the desire came back when I still could not be recognised as a great saxophonist among my colleagues at one point. I grew up being told by my parents and teachers and friends that I'm a great musician, but I never saw a reason to believe that. Their words were not out of blind kindness either because I was in my high school's top band and above that, I was a professional musician for three years and gained recognition among my colleagues for a time. It wasn't until my last year and a half when that recognition faded, and after I got out I realised that it was because of indolence. I had stopped putting myself out there; I had simply grown apathetic.
And now, for the past several years, recognition has been the least of my concerns. I don't want the attention anymore. When you have all the attention, you are only looked upon in shame when you do something wrong, no matter how small it is. That's not why I don't want attention anymore, but that definitely makes it less appealing. God has done so many things in my life since these past couple years after being discharged from the Army. I've been spending more time in prayer, worship, fellowship, and studies, growing closer and closer to Christ. There have been plenty of times in my faith when I've spent a lot of time in each of these things, but these past couple years have been more extreme than those times, I think. No, not more extreme, just Christ doing a lot more work in me because of the more pure sincerity I have in doing so. The more the days go by, the less I think of myself. I've always been so selfish. I've desired recognition above my peers in many aspects and I've always desired a romantic relationship. Well, no more. Should I be recognised for something good or great I've done, so be it. Should God bring me into a healthy Christocentric relationship, glory be to Him. Whenever I receive recognition from somebody, I find myself giving the praise and glory to God, as well as any achievements I make, for they all truly belong to Him.
Recognition is fleeting, but God is eternal. In God's eyes, I am held in high regards, although I don't deserve to be because I fail time and time again. Yet He loves me and He is merciful. When I feel lame, God says I'm awesome. When I'm feeling lonely, Christ is there beside me. When I feel stupid, God reveals to me my intelligence. When I feel like a failure, God forgives my trespasses and blesses me with wisdom through my humility. When I feel sad, I rejoice in the Lord and He gives me glory. When I'm angry, the Holy Spirit calms me. When I feel unlovable, God envelops me with His Spirit because I am loved, and always will be. You see, all I need is God. I don't need the fleeting recognition of man. Neither do I need the fictions of flimsy romance. All I need is my God who is my Rock and my refuge. The Lord sustains me, and I give Him all the glory. I give Him my life's servitude.
1845
In my adolescent years, I was so desperate for attention and recognition — thinking only of myself and wishing to become someone. That's the problem with American society today; we grow up believing that we have to be well known whether it be honourable fame or something of notoriety because of the attention that celebrities and politicians get. Celebrities and politicians lead such narcissistic lives, even when they portray otherwise, and surround themselves with so much drama and because they are in the public eye, for some dastardly strange reason we are attracted to their dramas and misfortunes. Because they receive this attention and so many people love them with an equal amount of hate for some, we grow up believing in this culture that that is the only way to matter — to be known by the many.
I like to believe that I lead a humble life now. I don't desire recognition for my achievements and talents anymore like I did when I was a young teenager, which really wasn't that long ago. Leading a life in Christ, I care only about serving Him and others, and I don't care if I'm not in the spotlight for my kindness and achievements. That "reward" is only temporary, and my ultimate reward is in Heaven. Only a few years ago did I have a strong desire to be recognised for my musical talent on the saxophone. My closest friends who were saxophonists received recognition above me time and time again, and I was deeply depressed by it. I desired so much to be recognised above my peers, and not making it into the Michigan Honours Band simply because my tone was "too bright" didn't help either. So my self-esteem was at a constant low. It wasn't until I was accepted into the U.S. Army Bands after passing my audition when I finally gained some recognition, but like all things of this earth it didn't last, for I had to leave in seven months. Interestingly enough, my desire for recognition faded after that because I was so focused on my service in the Army, but the desire came back when I still could not be recognised as a great saxophonist among my colleagues at one point. I grew up being told by my parents and teachers and friends that I'm a great musician, but I never saw a reason to believe that. Their words were not out of blind kindness either because I was in my high school's top band and above that, I was a professional musician for three years and gained recognition among my colleagues for a time. It wasn't until my last year and a half when that recognition faded, and after I got out I realised that it was because of indolence. I had stopped putting myself out there; I had simply grown apathetic.
And now, for the past several years, recognition has been the least of my concerns. I don't want the attention anymore. When you have all the attention, you are only looked upon in shame when you do something wrong, no matter how small it is. That's not why I don't want attention anymore, but that definitely makes it less appealing. God has done so many things in my life since these past couple years after being discharged from the Army. I've been spending more time in prayer, worship, fellowship, and studies, growing closer and closer to Christ. There have been plenty of times in my faith when I've spent a lot of time in each of these things, but these past couple years have been more extreme than those times, I think. No, not more extreme, just Christ doing a lot more work in me because of the more pure sincerity I have in doing so. The more the days go by, the less I think of myself. I've always been so selfish. I've desired recognition above my peers in many aspects and I've always desired a romantic relationship. Well, no more. Should I be recognised for something good or great I've done, so be it. Should God bring me into a healthy Christocentric relationship, glory be to Him. Whenever I receive recognition from somebody, I find myself giving the praise and glory to God, as well as any achievements I make, for they all truly belong to Him.
Recognition is fleeting, but God is eternal. In God's eyes, I am held in high regards, although I don't deserve to be because I fail time and time again. Yet He loves me and He is merciful. When I feel lame, God says I'm awesome. When I'm feeling lonely, Christ is there beside me. When I feel stupid, God reveals to me my intelligence. When I feel like a failure, God forgives my trespasses and blesses me with wisdom through my humility. When I feel sad, I rejoice in the Lord and He gives me glory. When I'm angry, the Holy Spirit calms me. When I feel unlovable, God envelops me with His Spirit because I am loved, and always will be. You see, all I need is God. I don't need the fleeting recognition of man. Neither do I need the fictions of flimsy romance. All I need is my God who is my Rock and my refuge. The Lord sustains me, and I give Him all the glory. I give Him my life's servitude.
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