June 27, 2015
1316
I sat in a quaint coffee shoppe one morning, ruminating upon my faint existence. I felt like a small speck in the eye of every person in my life — those important to me, whom I love, and those I acquaint with. On the day of my 25th year of existence, I was shocked to find two friends who wished to celebrate the day with me without my asking. Because, you see, that day doesn't mean much to me. When the spotlight shines on me, I'm the type who jumps out of it. The shock of my friends' genuine care brought a soothing satisfaction, however a little sadness as well. One of them, let's just call her S., is a beautiful blonde whom I have a lot in common with. Ninety-nine percent of our likes and dislikes are the same. The only problem is that she's engaged, perfectly happy, although the loser doesn't deserve her; and I'm not the only one who sees that. The other friend, let's call her H., is a beautiful brunette, single since the summer of last year, but like most Christian women, she is afraid of relationships — of commitment. H. and I connected in every single way, but she makes up excuses why we can't be together. Basically, we connected, feelings ensued, and she led me on to believe that we could become something until she revealed that it'll never happen. This is called what I have dubbed as "bitchery."
The irrational fears Christian women have of commitment confounds me. They are committed to our invisible God, yet fear commitment with a tangible Christian man. Yet I am surrounded by happy Christian couples who are engaged, newly married with a baby on the way, and recently in relationships. It's an unfathomable, vexing paradox. I have witnessed numerous newly wed Christian couples who've dated for 3 weeks to a month or so, got married, and then pregnant within a couple weeks. It's obviously they only got married because they were horny. I am cursed with not only perpetual loneliness, but also having to watch happy couples in my perpetual loneliness, no chance of a woman having the audacity to give me a chance.
A couple walks into the coffee shoppe, and their adoration for each other is palpable, envy a rising tide within my heart. I would be judged for my envy. But what single person who desires to be loved by someone else wouldn't envy a happy couple? It would be inhuman not to have that envy in such a predicament. I don't ask for envy to rise up and drown me in its misery; it just rises withal. One never drowns because he wishes to. However, don't let there be misunderstanding. In spite of not having this desire, I am happy. My sorrow is simply that I don't have someone to share it with. No one to offer all the love that I have in my heart — an unrequited love.
No one wants it either. They say, "She'll come along. Just be patient." But they're all idiots. They can only say that because they already have someone, so they're incapable of understanding. Or they're someone who's single who couldn't give two shits about being with someone or not, so they're even more incapable of understanding. Patience is for wimps; it's impatient people who actually work hard to achieve their goals. I was engaged twice, once betrayed and once left behind. I've had it twice, and they both escaped my embrace. That was 4 years ago, so I have been patient. SO pardon me for having a momentary lapse of reason — for being human.
Perhaps years from now I'll be married and will laugh at all this. But that's the unforeseen future; this is the present. I can't know the future, and neither can anyone else, so it's stupid for anyone to tell me without a shadow of a doubt that someone will come along. All I know is what I'm feeling now, and right now all I feel is sorrow and I have no one who can give me comfort. It is the tide of this sorrow that rises up and subdues me until the day she finds me, grabs my hand, and pulls me from the waters to breathe love into my lungs.
Saturday, June 27, 2015
Thursday, June 25, 2015
Memoir 2, All I Need Is God
June 25, 2015
1845
In my adolescent years, I was so desperate for attention and recognition — thinking only of myself and wishing to become someone. That's the problem with American society today; we grow up believing that we have to be well known whether it be honourable fame or something of notoriety because of the attention that celebrities and politicians get. Celebrities and politicians lead such narcissistic lives, even when they portray otherwise, and surround themselves with so much drama and because they are in the public eye, for some dastardly strange reason we are attracted to their dramas and misfortunes. Because they receive this attention and so many people love them with an equal amount of hate for some, we grow up believing in this culture that that is the only way to matter — to be known by the many.
I like to believe that I lead a humble life now. I don't desire recognition for my achievements and talents anymore like I did when I was a young teenager, which really wasn't that long ago. Leading a life in Christ, I care only about serving Him and others, and I don't care if I'm not in the spotlight for my kindness and achievements. That "reward" is only temporary, and my ultimate reward is in Heaven. Only a few years ago did I have a strong desire to be recognised for my musical talent on the saxophone. My closest friends who were saxophonists received recognition above me time and time again, and I was deeply depressed by it. I desired so much to be recognised above my peers, and not making it into the Michigan Honours Band simply because my tone was "too bright" didn't help either. So my self-esteem was at a constant low. It wasn't until I was accepted into the U.S. Army Bands after passing my audition when I finally gained some recognition, but like all things of this earth it didn't last, for I had to leave in seven months. Interestingly enough, my desire for recognition faded after that because I was so focused on my service in the Army, but the desire came back when I still could not be recognised as a great saxophonist among my colleagues at one point. I grew up being told by my parents and teachers and friends that I'm a great musician, but I never saw a reason to believe that. Their words were not out of blind kindness either because I was in my high school's top band and above that, I was a professional musician for three years and gained recognition among my colleagues for a time. It wasn't until my last year and a half when that recognition faded, and after I got out I realised that it was because of indolence. I had stopped putting myself out there; I had simply grown apathetic.
And now, for the past several years, recognition has been the least of my concerns. I don't want the attention anymore. When you have all the attention, you are only looked upon in shame when you do something wrong, no matter how small it is. That's not why I don't want attention anymore, but that definitely makes it less appealing. God has done so many things in my life since these past couple years after being discharged from the Army. I've been spending more time in prayer, worship, fellowship, and studies, growing closer and closer to Christ. There have been plenty of times in my faith when I've spent a lot of time in each of these things, but these past couple years have been more extreme than those times, I think. No, not more extreme, just Christ doing a lot more work in me because of the more pure sincerity I have in doing so. The more the days go by, the less I think of myself. I've always been so selfish. I've desired recognition above my peers in many aspects and I've always desired a romantic relationship. Well, no more. Should I be recognised for something good or great I've done, so be it. Should God bring me into a healthy Christocentric relationship, glory be to Him. Whenever I receive recognition from somebody, I find myself giving the praise and glory to God, as well as any achievements I make, for they all truly belong to Him.
Recognition is fleeting, but God is eternal. In God's eyes, I am held in high regards, although I don't deserve to be because I fail time and time again. Yet He loves me and He is merciful. When I feel lame, God says I'm awesome. When I'm feeling lonely, Christ is there beside me. When I feel stupid, God reveals to me my intelligence. When I feel like a failure, God forgives my trespasses and blesses me with wisdom through my humility. When I feel sad, I rejoice in the Lord and He gives me glory. When I'm angry, the Holy Spirit calms me. When I feel unlovable, God envelops me with His Spirit because I am loved, and always will be. You see, all I need is God. I don't need the fleeting recognition of man. Neither do I need the fictions of flimsy romance. All I need is my God who is my Rock and my refuge. The Lord sustains me, and I give Him all the glory. I give Him my life's servitude.
1845
In my adolescent years, I was so desperate for attention and recognition — thinking only of myself and wishing to become someone. That's the problem with American society today; we grow up believing that we have to be well known whether it be honourable fame or something of notoriety because of the attention that celebrities and politicians get. Celebrities and politicians lead such narcissistic lives, even when they portray otherwise, and surround themselves with so much drama and because they are in the public eye, for some dastardly strange reason we are attracted to their dramas and misfortunes. Because they receive this attention and so many people love them with an equal amount of hate for some, we grow up believing in this culture that that is the only way to matter — to be known by the many.
I like to believe that I lead a humble life now. I don't desire recognition for my achievements and talents anymore like I did when I was a young teenager, which really wasn't that long ago. Leading a life in Christ, I care only about serving Him and others, and I don't care if I'm not in the spotlight for my kindness and achievements. That "reward" is only temporary, and my ultimate reward is in Heaven. Only a few years ago did I have a strong desire to be recognised for my musical talent on the saxophone. My closest friends who were saxophonists received recognition above me time and time again, and I was deeply depressed by it. I desired so much to be recognised above my peers, and not making it into the Michigan Honours Band simply because my tone was "too bright" didn't help either. So my self-esteem was at a constant low. It wasn't until I was accepted into the U.S. Army Bands after passing my audition when I finally gained some recognition, but like all things of this earth it didn't last, for I had to leave in seven months. Interestingly enough, my desire for recognition faded after that because I was so focused on my service in the Army, but the desire came back when I still could not be recognised as a great saxophonist among my colleagues at one point. I grew up being told by my parents and teachers and friends that I'm a great musician, but I never saw a reason to believe that. Their words were not out of blind kindness either because I was in my high school's top band and above that, I was a professional musician for three years and gained recognition among my colleagues for a time. It wasn't until my last year and a half when that recognition faded, and after I got out I realised that it was because of indolence. I had stopped putting myself out there; I had simply grown apathetic.
And now, for the past several years, recognition has been the least of my concerns. I don't want the attention anymore. When you have all the attention, you are only looked upon in shame when you do something wrong, no matter how small it is. That's not why I don't want attention anymore, but that definitely makes it less appealing. God has done so many things in my life since these past couple years after being discharged from the Army. I've been spending more time in prayer, worship, fellowship, and studies, growing closer and closer to Christ. There have been plenty of times in my faith when I've spent a lot of time in each of these things, but these past couple years have been more extreme than those times, I think. No, not more extreme, just Christ doing a lot more work in me because of the more pure sincerity I have in doing so. The more the days go by, the less I think of myself. I've always been so selfish. I've desired recognition above my peers in many aspects and I've always desired a romantic relationship. Well, no more. Should I be recognised for something good or great I've done, so be it. Should God bring me into a healthy Christocentric relationship, glory be to Him. Whenever I receive recognition from somebody, I find myself giving the praise and glory to God, as well as any achievements I make, for they all truly belong to Him.
Recognition is fleeting, but God is eternal. In God's eyes, I am held in high regards, although I don't deserve to be because I fail time and time again. Yet He loves me and He is merciful. When I feel lame, God says I'm awesome. When I'm feeling lonely, Christ is there beside me. When I feel stupid, God reveals to me my intelligence. When I feel like a failure, God forgives my trespasses and blesses me with wisdom through my humility. When I feel sad, I rejoice in the Lord and He gives me glory. When I'm angry, the Holy Spirit calms me. When I feel unlovable, God envelops me with His Spirit because I am loved, and always will be. You see, all I need is God. I don't need the fleeting recognition of man. Neither do I need the fictions of flimsy romance. All I need is my God who is my Rock and my refuge. The Lord sustains me, and I give Him all the glory. I give Him my life's servitude.
Wednesday, June 24, 2015
Memoir 1, Death
June 24, 2015
2128
Well, this first topic might be considered rather dark, because I'm dying. Not from any disease, or cancer, or any other sort of terminal ailment. I'm a healthy young man with no terminal disease, but I am dying. We are all dying. We never know when death's grip will take our bodies, and our spirits departing wherever God decides them to be. We never think of death until it happens to somebody close to us or strangers around us, or a personal near death experience of our own. Whether it's a car accident, a suicide, a diagnosis of a terminal illness that happens to us or someone else and is inoperable, a terrorist attack (foreign or domestic), an abortion, or a shooting massacre, we never ruminate upon death unless it affects us personally or our surrounding environment. Death is very serious, and it will happen to every single one of us. It's because it is so serious and frightening that I think we choose to ignore it until it finally comes to take us or someone close to us (or not so close when it's a massacre, or the death of a favoured celebrity). We have to prepare for it. Living in acceptance of it is to live free of it — the fear of it, the grip of it — just as Jesus Christ has defeated death.
In the U.S. Army, statistics show that more soldiers die in a car accident when they're home than they do in combat in the Middle East. I drive my Jeep to work every day, and I could easily die in a car accident to any variety of causes. I say that not because death can take us at any moment, but because driving a vehicle is really dangerous (hence the statistical fact I mentioned). It could be from wrong judgement calls on the road or poor road conditions that cause me to crash and die. While I was in the army I would tell my mother these statistics all the time and that technically makes me safer in Afghanistan than I am at home, especially since my MOS was a non-combatant MOS (the Army Bands). Anyway, I do not fear death. I acknowledge its possibility, but that does not mean I'm an unnecessary risk taker. I'll tell you why I don't fear death.
Many people, even Christians, fear death, and they have their irrational reasons. Some fear it because they're unaware of what comes after death, or simply don't believe in Heaven or Hell. There are Christians who fear it because they doubt their salvation — they live in so much guilt of their sins that they doubt God's mercy and therefore doubt they'll inherit God's kingdom as co-heirs of Christ, which is a huge problem. Some of them read the book of Revelation and fear His coming, the loss of the earth, and ultimately their own death. The coming of the Messiah is supposed to be a glorious and victorious event! Not one of fear! It's important to remember that nothing can separate us from our salvation except yourself if you continuously reject Christ. Romans 8:35-39, "Who can separate us from the love of Christ? Can affliction or anguish or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? As it is written: Because of You we are being put to death all day long; we are counted as sheep to be slaughtered. No, in all these things we are more than victorious through Him who loved us. For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing will have the power to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord!"
What a glorious reality! What a marvellous victory we have over death through Christ! There is not a single created thing on this earth or even in Heaven or Hell that can separate us from Jesus Christ who is our salvation. This is why I do not fear death. I know where I'm going once I die, and it's a heck of a lot better than this world we live in now. So, I'm looking forward to dying. Again, this doesn't mean that I take unnecessary risks. If I can avoid danger, I will. Just trust God with your life and your salvation, and He will surely preserve it. He gave you life and He gave you salvation, so certainly He can take care of your life and give you the salvation He promised.
2128
Well, this first topic might be considered rather dark, because I'm dying. Not from any disease, or cancer, or any other sort of terminal ailment. I'm a healthy young man with no terminal disease, but I am dying. We are all dying. We never know when death's grip will take our bodies, and our spirits departing wherever God decides them to be. We never think of death until it happens to somebody close to us or strangers around us, or a personal near death experience of our own. Whether it's a car accident, a suicide, a diagnosis of a terminal illness that happens to us or someone else and is inoperable, a terrorist attack (foreign or domestic), an abortion, or a shooting massacre, we never ruminate upon death unless it affects us personally or our surrounding environment. Death is very serious, and it will happen to every single one of us. It's because it is so serious and frightening that I think we choose to ignore it until it finally comes to take us or someone close to us (or not so close when it's a massacre, or the death of a favoured celebrity). We have to prepare for it. Living in acceptance of it is to live free of it — the fear of it, the grip of it — just as Jesus Christ has defeated death.
In the U.S. Army, statistics show that more soldiers die in a car accident when they're home than they do in combat in the Middle East. I drive my Jeep to work every day, and I could easily die in a car accident to any variety of causes. I say that not because death can take us at any moment, but because driving a vehicle is really dangerous (hence the statistical fact I mentioned). It could be from wrong judgement calls on the road or poor road conditions that cause me to crash and die. While I was in the army I would tell my mother these statistics all the time and that technically makes me safer in Afghanistan than I am at home, especially since my MOS was a non-combatant MOS (the Army Bands). Anyway, I do not fear death. I acknowledge its possibility, but that does not mean I'm an unnecessary risk taker. I'll tell you why I don't fear death.
Many people, even Christians, fear death, and they have their irrational reasons. Some fear it because they're unaware of what comes after death, or simply don't believe in Heaven or Hell. There are Christians who fear it because they doubt their salvation — they live in so much guilt of their sins that they doubt God's mercy and therefore doubt they'll inherit God's kingdom as co-heirs of Christ, which is a huge problem. Some of them read the book of Revelation and fear His coming, the loss of the earth, and ultimately their own death. The coming of the Messiah is supposed to be a glorious and victorious event! Not one of fear! It's important to remember that nothing can separate us from our salvation except yourself if you continuously reject Christ. Romans 8:35-39, "Who can separate us from the love of Christ? Can affliction or anguish or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? As it is written: Because of You we are being put to death all day long; we are counted as sheep to be slaughtered. No, in all these things we are more than victorious through Him who loved us. For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing will have the power to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord!"
What a glorious reality! What a marvellous victory we have over death through Christ! There is not a single created thing on this earth or even in Heaven or Hell that can separate us from Jesus Christ who is our salvation. This is why I do not fear death. I know where I'm going once I die, and it's a heck of a lot better than this world we live in now. So, I'm looking forward to dying. Again, this doesn't mean that I take unnecessary risks. If I can avoid danger, I will. Just trust God with your life and your salvation, and He will surely preserve it. He gave you life and He gave you salvation, so certainly He can take care of your life and give you the salvation He promised.
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