Memoir 2, All I Need Is God

June 25, 2015
1845

In my adolescent years, I was so desperate for attention and recognition — thinking only of myself and wishing to become someone.  That's the problem with American society today; we grow up believing that we have to be well known whether it be honourable fame or something of notoriety because of the attention that celebrities and politicians get.  Celebrities and politicians lead such narcissistic lives, even when they portray otherwise, and surround themselves with so much drama and because they are in the public eye, for some dastardly strange reason we are attracted to their dramas and misfortunes.  Because they receive this attention and so many people love them with an equal amount of hate for some, we grow up believing in this culture that that is the only way to matter — to be known by the many.

I like to believe that I lead a humble life now.  I don't desire recognition for my achievements and talents anymore like I did when I was a young teenager, which really wasn't that long ago.  Leading a life in Christ, I care only about serving Him and others, and I don't care if I'm not in the spotlight for my kindness and achievements.  That "reward" is only temporary, and my ultimate reward is in Heaven.  Only a few years ago did I have a strong desire to be recognised for my musical talent on the saxophone.  My closest friends who were saxophonists received recognition above me time and time again, and I was deeply depressed by it.  I desired so much to be recognised above my peers, and not making it into the Michigan Honours Band simply because my tone was "too bright" didn't help either.  So my self-esteem was at a constant low.  It wasn't until I was accepted into the U.S. Army Bands after passing my audition when I finally gained some recognition, but like all things of this earth it didn't last, for I had to leave in seven months.  Interestingly enough, my desire for recognition faded after that because I was so focused on my service in the Army, but the desire came back when I still could not be recognised as a great saxophonist among my colleagues at one point.  I grew up being told by my parents and teachers and friends that I'm a great musician, but I never saw a reason to believe that.  Their words were not out of blind kindness either because I was in my high school's top band and above that, I was a professional musician for three years and gained recognition among my colleagues for a time.  It wasn't until my last year and a half when that recognition faded, and after I got out I realised that it was because of indolence.  I had stopped putting myself out there; I had simply grown apathetic.

And now, for the past several years, recognition has been the least of my concerns.  I don't want the attention anymore.  When you have all the attention, you are only looked upon in shame when you do something wrong, no matter how small it is.  That's not why I don't want attention anymore, but that definitely makes it less appealing.  God has done so many things in my life since these past couple years after being discharged from the Army.  I've been spending more time in prayer, worship, fellowship, and studies, growing closer and closer to Christ.  There have been plenty of times in my faith when I've spent a lot of time in each of these things, but these past couple years have been more extreme than those times, I think.  No, not more extreme, just Christ doing a lot more work in me because of the more pure sincerity I have in doing so.  The more the days go by, the less I think of myself.  I've always been so selfish.  I've desired recognition above my peers in many aspects and I've always desired a romantic relationship.  Well, no more.  Should I be recognised for something good or great I've done, so be it.  Should God bring me into a healthy Christocentric relationship, glory be to Him.  Whenever I receive recognition from somebody, I find myself giving the praise and glory to God, as well as any achievements I make, for they all truly belong to Him.

Recognition is fleeting, but God is eternal.  In God's eyes, I am held in high regards, although I don't deserve to be because I fail time and time again.  Yet He loves me and He is merciful.  When I feel lame, God says I'm awesome.  When I'm feeling lonely, Christ is there beside me.  When I feel stupid, God reveals to me my intelligence.  When I feel like a failure, God forgives my trespasses and blesses me with wisdom through my humility.  When I feel sad, I rejoice in the Lord and He gives me glory.  When I'm angry, the Holy Spirit calms me.  When I feel unlovable, God envelops me with His Spirit because I am loved, and always will be.  You see, all I need is God.  I don't need the fleeting recognition of man.  Neither do I need the fictions of flimsy romance.  All I need is my God who is my Rock and my refuge.  The Lord sustains me, and I give Him all the glory.  I give Him my life's servitude.